Divorced, Yet Still Feel Married

Are you divorced, but still dealing with the majority of the same issues you did when you were married to your spouse? Does your former spouse still need to have power over you? To ensure they achieve and maintain this, they emotionally, verbally, and economically abuse you. Does it seem that no matter how you respond to your ex-spouse, the outcome is still the same? Do you feel being divorced your relationship has stayed unchanged?

A person does not have to be diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display characteristics. I have thrown myself into learning everything I can about Narcissism with the intention to be a scholar. Narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various books and articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. Lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in relationships, which could be fueling abuse or even alcoholism or drug addiction.

A relationship with a narcissist is not a partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism do not know what being a partner means. They are self-centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Like a two-year-old, they throw tantrums when they don’t get their way. They scream they hate you, obscenities and other hurtful things with the intention to hurt you. They lie, bully and intimidate. A narcissist is a master manipulator. They will try and convince you that you are the problem, and in their mind, they honestly believe it. They are in complete denial they are the issue, therefore trying to reason and rationalize with them is pointless.

Once you are no longer legally bound, they continue walking around being self-centered and grandiose, engaging in emotional and verbal abuse attempting to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what they please. Should you expect differently? Remember, they are self-centered, they are self-absorbed, and they lack empathy. Because of their grandiosity, they feel entitled to do as they please. In turn, everyone else is here to serve them and meet their needs. You must be kept in line and under their thumb. Yes, the narcissist has  spots, and no they do not change.

Some narcissists see divorce as a competition, engaging in trickery and manipulation in order to get the better end of the deal. They play by their own set of rules. Do as I say, not as I do. They often behave with extreme hostility toward their ex-spouse because they see them as the opposition. If you cross them, stand up for yourself, disrespect them, or call them out on their lies, be prepared for a merciless resistance. When you quit enabling them and allow them to face the consequences of their actions, be prepaid for ruthless perniciousness.

It might take you a long time to realize that you are not the problem. THEY ARE. So, what is the answer? Distance yourself emotionally and physically from them. Your life is your own to live as you please now, or is it? Are you ever sure exactly where to step? Do you second-guess what the rules are? One misstep causes you to tumble into a pit of drama – worth avoiding at any cost. The only way to take control from a narcissist is not to need anything from them. If you receive child-support or alimony, then extricating your life totally from theirs, is not an option.

Detaching from a narcissist can be quite difficult. When you understand what is causing your feelings it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get mentally rid of them. Relationships with a narcissistic spouse can often be compared to a drug addiction. In the beginning of the relationship a narcissist makes you feel like a fabulous person. They may claim that they have never met anyone like you or have never had anyone make them feel the way you do. You understand them in a way no one ever has. You fulfill them, make them happy. It is typical for a narcissistic person to start to talk about “love” and “loving” almost immediately, even before they have had a chance to really get to know who you really are.

A narcissist can be incredibly charming and “perfect”, in the beginning of the relationship, causing you to fall deeply in love before you even realize what is happening. Your brain begins releasing “pleasure substances”, biochemical compounds which are responsible for the feelings of happiness, mental balance and euphoria. As time goes by, your brain is slowly being altered in such a way that you must have the “drug” constantly available in order to maintain a satisfied state of mind. In this case the “drug” is the love of your narcissistic partner. Therefore, the only effective way to get mentally rid of a narcissist is to NOT be in any kind of contact with them.

Since we have established going “cold turkey” is not an option for some, here are a few survival tips. First you need to accept your feelings for them. Many recovering narcissist addicts are in love with the fantasy or their dream, clinging to false pretenses, of the person they believe existed. It is the FEELINGS you had in the beginning for them your attached to; of love, affection and adoration, not your ex-spouse. The enemy is your mental addiction to your narcissistic partner. Your head and your heart may not necessarily be on the same page, therefore you have to set boundaries. You have to teach people how to treat you. It is not within our power to change anyone other than ourselves. 

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT get into a fight with the narcissist, you will not win. Do not make them angry, they tend to be extremely vengeful. Do not discuss how you feel with them, they will gather the information and use it against you. They will get furious if you try to complicate their life in any way, and since they no longer care for you after the relationship has ended, they might really make your life miserable. Do not take that risk. Do not try to rationalize with them, their description of the truth is always skewed, and sometimes just flat out wrong. People who display narcissistic characteristics will gaslight you.

If you have a chance, let the court manage your child support and alimony. Do not engage with them. Pick your battles. Limit your communication with them to text or emails or use Our Family Wizard http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/.  When and if you have to deal with your ex-spouse, do so with no emotion, present the facts and move on. Your dealings should be short and to the point. The most painful thing of all, is to separate your friends. The more you know about them, and they about you, keeps you from moving on. Remember, you can not move on to the next chapter of your book if you keep re-reading the last one.

There is a lot more that I could say on the issue, but I feel that I am getting off on bunny trails. There are so many issues that can be discussed; raising children with a narcissist, do your children exhibit narcissistic behaviors, moving on from a narcissistic relationship, and creating boundaries. Maybe I will discuss these at a later date. For now, I will leave you with these verses from the Bible I thought were appropriate for this post. It almost sounds like Paul was describing a person with a narcissistic personality.

2 Timothy 3:1-0 – ”But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God — having a form of godliness but denying its power. HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, [they are the kind] who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth…these men oppose the truth—men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, ARE REJECTED. But they will not get very far because their folly will be clear to everyone.”

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

As a child, when someone did not tell the truth you might hear the chant “Liar, Liar pants on fire”. I don’t know about you, but I am glad that our pants didn’t actually catch on fire if we told a lie. That would mean some of us would spend the majority of our life on our stomach in a hospital bed, urinating in a catheter, and receiving wound care to our buttocks. I am not saying we should all be as blatant as Jim Carey in Liar, Liar as seen below…

but, I do believe it is not what you say, but how you say it.

Lying, we have all been guilty of it. Did you finish all your homework? Did you clean your room? Do you think I look fat in this outfit? We are human and people lie for many reasons. Some lie because they don’t want to hurt someones feelings, others because they don’t want to face the consequences of their  lie or others lie just to lie even when they don’t have to.

I have always heard the saying, “My grandfather taught me at an early age that a man’s word is his bond, if you go back on your word you will never be trusted and no one will do business with you.” You can destroy relationships quickly when you show a lack of integrity, so it’s critical that what you say is consistent with what you do. Integrity is a virtue that people do not embrace as a necessary character trait anymore. Integrity doesn’t mean that a person never makes mistakes. But a person with integrity accepts responsibility for his or her own mistakes or failures and does what’s in his or her power to put things right.

Have you ever come in contact with someone that everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie? They lie about everything, even things they don’t need to lie about. People who lie and actually believe their lies. Your relationship with them exist on the foundation that whatever they tell you is a lie, and if it turns out to be the truth, you are pleasantly surprised. I can honestly say, the relationship you have with these people is not a healthy one, but a toxic one.

I have often wondered if lying is a disease. If so are people born with it. I understand that everyone lies, but it seems like I have encountered people that lie as easy as they breathe. Are we born liars?  Do all children lie? If you lie as a child will you grow out of it or into it? These questions lead me to research the topic. What I found is this. There are different types of liars. If you talk to some they would say there are two main categories: Pathological and Compulsive. Other’s break it down even farther to The Occasional/White Liar, The Careless Liar, The Compulsive Liar, and The Sociopathic Liar.

“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” Abraham Lincoln

A quick overview of these are as follows:

Pathological Liar – These people lie compulsively and impulsively, almost without thinking about the consequences of their action. They lie regularly on a spontaneous basis even if they gain no benefit from it, or even if they trap themselves into it. A pathological liar cannot control their impulse to lie and it is usually a self-defeating trait.

The Compulsive Liar – These people continually lie out of sheer habit. Lying tends to be their normal manner of responding to any question from others. These individuals will always bend the truth, regardless of how small or large the question is. For these individuals, telling the truth doesn’t feel right. They are uncomfortable whenever they tell the truth, while lying makes them feel right. Compulsive lying is often thought to manifest during childhood, due to being put into situations and environments where lying became a necessity. Most of the time, compulsive liars aren’t cunning or manipulative, rather they only lie because it has become such a habit for them.

The Occasional/White Liar – These people seldom lie and don’t usually think of themselves as true “liars”.  They sometimes tell only part of the truth, not suspected of lying at all. They use their lies to keep someone from being hurt or damaged by the truth. But when they do lie, they feel guilty for what they have done. These types of people are the ones who are quick to seek forgiveness from the person their lied to. The occasional liar is not perfect, but they are usually respected for their strong attempt at being a truthful person, and humble enough to admit their mistakes.

The Careless Liar – These people will go about their normal lives lying every way they can. This individual isn’t concerned about trying to hide their lies or even that they make sense. Everyone knows that the person isn’t being honest because they tend to be sloppy with their lies.

The Sociopathic Liar – These people lie continuously in an attempt to get their own way, without showing care or concern for others. These individuals are goal-oriented. Even though it might seem hard to believe, lying is focused – they are focused on getting their own way. Sociopaths don’t have a lot of respect or regard for the feelings and rights of others. They tend to be charismatic and charming, but they will use their exceptional social skills in a self-centered and manipulative manner.

** It is believed by some experts that sociopathic lying is connected to the mental illnesses Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).

The Lie By Omission -These people lie by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception.

The Black Book of Lie Detection says this about lies:

“It matters why someone lies. We will nearly always forgive the person who lied out of kindness. We will sometimes forgive the person who lied where there are no negative consequences. We will even forgive a President who lied about an affair to the nation on camera. But we will rarely forgive the person who lied for self gain at the expense of others.

Motive also matters to the liar. A person who believes they have a moral justification for their lie, will find it easier to deceive a truth seeker. A person who stands to lose much if their lie is exposed, has a greater incentive to successfully lie, but will experience greater pressure at the same time which may `leak’ out in their verbal or nonverbal communication.

We start lying when we are children. It sometimes helps us get what we want. Sometimes it gets us in trouble. Most of us learn that generally speaking, lying is not a good thing and we tell the truth most of the time. But some people develop the belief that lying helps us get more of what we want. So they do it all of the time. Lying becomes something done naturally.

And then when we become adults, some of us graduate from being natural liars to professional liars. Professional liars lie for a specific purpose; usually self gain. Otherwise known as con artists, professional liars often prey on the vulnerable in our society.”

So I ask you these questions? Do we hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth? Do we expect someone doing research like a scientist to be more honest than say a politician? Do we give children around the age of 4 – 7 a pass for lying because they are children and that is normal for them? Are there multiple versions of the truth?

There’s a scene in the movie “Something’s Gotta Give” that captures the definition of truth. Dianne Keaton catches the man she loves, Jack Nicholson, on a date with another woman.  She is chased out of the restaurant by a guilty Nicholson. When he finally catches her, he pleads, “I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth.” She replies, “The truth doesn’t have versions, okay?” The truth may have many sides to it. It may be complicated or hard to understand, but it exists… in one version.

So how important is it that you to tell the truth? More imperative is how important is it that you are told the truth? I would challenge you to take a look at your conversations and censor them for the truth. Integrity is a vital virtue, it is the one that we put on ourselves. Integrity is our inner checks and balances. It ensures we walk the walk of the talk we talk. So I would challenge you to be the same person in private that you are in public.

For questions or comments please contact me at missivesbymichelle@gmail.com