Divorced, Yet Still Feel Married

Are you divorced, but still dealing with the majority of the same issues you did when you were married to your spouse? Does your former spouse still need to have power over you? To ensure they achieve and maintain this, they emotionally, verbally, and economically abuse you. Does it seem that no matter how you respond to your ex-spouse, the outcome is still the same? Do you feel being divorced your relationship has stayed unchanged?

A person does not have to be diagnosed with any mental health problems, and especially not Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display characteristics. I have thrown myself into learning everything I can about Narcissism with the intention to be a scholar. Narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic symptoms can occur in varying degrees. So, someone need not be diagnosable as having full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder to display what you’ll see referred to in various books and articles as unhealthy, pathological, or malignant narcissism. Lesser degrees of narcissism can be problematic in relationships, which could be fueling abuse or even alcoholism or drug addiction.

A relationship with a narcissist is not a partnership. Those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism do not know what being a partner means. They are self-centered. They lack empathy. And more than anything else, they are grandiose. Like a two-year-old, they throw tantrums when they don’t get their way. They scream they hate you, obscenities and other hurtful things with the intention to hurt you. They lie, bully and intimidate. A narcissist is a master manipulator. They will try and convince you that you are the problem, and in their mind, they honestly believe it. They are in complete denial they are the issue, therefore trying to reason and rationalize with them is pointless.

Once you are no longer legally bound, they continue walking around being self-centered and grandiose, engaging in emotional and verbal abuse attempting to keep you hooked in and doing exactly what they please. Should you expect differently? Remember, they are self-centered, they are self-absorbed, and they lack empathy. Because of their grandiosity, they feel entitled to do as they please. In turn, everyone else is here to serve them and meet their needs. You must be kept in line and under their thumb. Yes, the narcissist has  spots, and no they do not change.

Some narcissists see divorce as a competition, engaging in trickery and manipulation in order to get the better end of the deal. They play by their own set of rules. Do as I say, not as I do. They often behave with extreme hostility toward their ex-spouse because they see them as the opposition. If you cross them, stand up for yourself, disrespect them, or call them out on their lies, be prepared for a merciless resistance. When you quit enabling them and allow them to face the consequences of their actions, be prepaid for ruthless perniciousness.

It might take you a long time to realize that you are not the problem. THEY ARE. So, what is the answer? Distance yourself emotionally and physically from them. Your life is your own to live as you please now, or is it? Are you ever sure exactly where to step? Do you second-guess what the rules are? One misstep causes you to tumble into a pit of drama – worth avoiding at any cost. The only way to take control from a narcissist is not to need anything from them. If you receive child-support or alimony, then extricating your life totally from theirs, is not an option.

Detaching from a narcissist can be quite difficult. When you understand what is causing your feelings it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get mentally rid of them. Relationships with a narcissistic spouse can often be compared to a drug addiction. In the beginning of the relationship a narcissist makes you feel like a fabulous person. They may claim that they have never met anyone like you or have never had anyone make them feel the way you do. You understand them in a way no one ever has. You fulfill them, make them happy. It is typical for a narcissistic person to start to talk about “love” and “loving” almost immediately, even before they have had a chance to really get to know who you really are.

A narcissist can be incredibly charming and “perfect”, in the beginning of the relationship, causing you to fall deeply in love before you even realize what is happening. Your brain begins releasing “pleasure substances”, biochemical compounds which are responsible for the feelings of happiness, mental balance and euphoria. As time goes by, your brain is slowly being altered in such a way that you must have the “drug” constantly available in order to maintain a satisfied state of mind. In this case the “drug” is the love of your narcissistic partner. Therefore, the only effective way to get mentally rid of a narcissist is to NOT be in any kind of contact with them.

Since we have established going “cold turkey” is not an option for some, here are a few survival tips. First you need to accept your feelings for them. Many recovering narcissist addicts are in love with the fantasy or their dream, clinging to false pretenses, of the person they believe existed. It is the FEELINGS you had in the beginning for them your attached to; of love, affection and adoration, not your ex-spouse. The enemy is your mental addiction to your narcissistic partner. Your head and your heart may not necessarily be on the same page, therefore you have to set boundaries. You have to teach people how to treat you. It is not within our power to change anyone other than ourselves. 

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT get into a fight with the narcissist, you will not win. Do not make them angry, they tend to be extremely vengeful. Do not discuss how you feel with them, they will gather the information and use it against you. They will get furious if you try to complicate their life in any way, and since they no longer care for you after the relationship has ended, they might really make your life miserable. Do not take that risk. Do not try to rationalize with them, their description of the truth is always skewed, and sometimes just flat out wrong. People who display narcissistic characteristics will gaslight you.

If you have a chance, let the court manage your child support and alimony. Do not engage with them. Pick your battles. Limit your communication with them to text or emails or use Our Family Wizard http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw/.  When and if you have to deal with your ex-spouse, do so with no emotion, present the facts and move on. Your dealings should be short and to the point. The most painful thing of all, is to separate your friends. The more you know about them, and they about you, keeps you from moving on. Remember, you can not move on to the next chapter of your book if you keep re-reading the last one.

There is a lot more that I could say on the issue, but I feel that I am getting off on bunny trails. There are so many issues that can be discussed; raising children with a narcissist, do your children exhibit narcissistic behaviors, moving on from a narcissistic relationship, and creating boundaries. Maybe I will discuss these at a later date. For now, I will leave you with these verses from the Bible I thought were appropriate for this post. It almost sounds like Paul was describing a person with a narcissistic personality.

2 Timothy 3:1-0 – ”But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God — having a form of godliness but denying its power. HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, [they are the kind] who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth…these men oppose the truth—men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, ARE REJECTED. But they will not get very far because their folly will be clear to everyone.”

Raising A Modern Day Knight

Years ago, when my youngest son was a boy, I read a book titled Raising a Modern Day Knight.

I was desperately seeking information on how to raise Thing 1 and his baby brothers Things 2 & 3 to be Godly men. While in LifeWay Christian book store, with all three boys, our patience had been depleted, chaos had ensured, and while running down an aisle chasing one of my “things” I saw this book and grabbed it with my left and my “thing” with my right, score! Once home, Thing 2 & 3 down for a nap, and Thing 1 quietly playing, I sat down to unravel the mysteries of raising twenty-first century spiritual knights; Courteous, Honest, Honor, Generous, Loyal, Well-Spoken, Discreet, Pure, Wise, and Just. Then to my dismay I began to read, “What does it mean to be a man? Moreover, how do you as a father instill that reality in your son? By Raising a Modern-Day Knight.” Father! This book is for fathers to show how you can confidently guide your son to the kind of authentic, biblical manhood that can change out world. Complete with ceremony ideas to celebrate accomplishments and ingrain them in the mind of a knight-in-training, this resource is as insightful as it is practical in raising a boy to be a chivalrous, godly man.

Seriously, my success turned sour when I realized that this was for fathers. Well, I was not going to let that stop me. Just became I am not the father, does not mean that I can not read the book, impart my knowledge to my husband and together we implement this unique approach to shaping our boys into a strong, godly men. I read the book. I also read James Dobson’s Bringing Up Boys, and my ex and I went to a Wednesday night study on the book, and I continued to read and gather all the information I could on raising Godly children. I sent Thing 1 to cotillion classes, began reading and gathering all the material on proper etiquette and began to impart my new knowledge.

In the beginning, I taught them basic courtesy’s such as responding with “Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am, Yes Sir and No Sir”, how to properly greet someone and answer the telephone. As they have become young adult and adolescent men, the lessons have increased with maturity. Here is the latest list of traits I recently reviewed with my sons:

* He takes care of his physical appearance.

* He is considerate: He opens and holds doors, does not cut line, basically he will put others needs before his own without breaking his boundaries.

* He is chivalrous: He has the utmost respect and adoration for women. He cherishes them. He will hold doors for her, rise if she approaches when he is sitting, take her coat, offer to seat her, push in her chair as she sits among other mannerly gestures.

* He is generous with his time, resources and wisdom. He willingly servers others and those in need lending his services to those in need.

* He is a lifelong learner, always willing to acquire new knowledge continuously being teachable.

* He is honorable treating others with dignity and respect. He models restraint, morals, and personal responsibility.

* He is well-mannered, understanding what is appropriate in various social and professional settings. He is able to navigate these situations with ease and proficiency as he embraces all cultures equally.

* He possesses a strong work ethic. He takes pride in his work and strives to give his very best. This makes him trustworthy, loyal, and people speak well of him.

* He is confident and carries himself in a manner that communicates it to people.

* He is well spoken. He is also a generous listener. He knows how to effectively communicate with others.

* He is known for his integrity. He is a man of his word. He says what he means and means what he says.  He follows through with his commitments, whatever the cost.

When studying the book Bring Up Boys, I learned there is a vast difference between boys and girls. Dr. James Dobson provided seven principles for raising sons that I implemented:

1. Channel Their Energy. Understand that your boys will have more aggressive and excitable behavior than your girls. Instead of trying to squelch their energy, channel it into something productive.
2. Protect Their Spirit. Understand that there are many harmful things in this world which can wound your boys’ spirit. Dobson advises, “deal decisively with bullies, reduce exposure to media violence, and watch for signs of depression, withdrawal or lethargy.”
3. Keep Them Close. Maintain close relationships with your sons. Keep communication open, provide guidance, and discipline out of love.
4. Provide Them with Role Models. Provide your sons with healthy male role models. If their father is not in the home, consider a trustworthy family member or friend to spend time with them.
5. Give Them Your Time. Give your sons plenty of your one-on-one time. You may need to make changes in your own schedule, but give your sons both quality and quantity time.
6. Affirm Their Value. Dobson advises, “Counteract the effects of male-bashing in our culture by affirming a boy’s masculinity and his value as a person.”
7. Nurture Their Spirituality. Make your sons’ spiritual development your first priority in parenting by helping them develop their relationship with God.

This book was a great resource, BUT the book I should have read is Parenting Isn’t For Cowards!

SO! How did my endeavor to raise Modern Day Knights turn out? I will have to get back with you on that. My son’s are now 23, 16 and 15. If you asked their opinion they would tell you that I am “in our business”, “too strict”, and “need to let us make our own mistakes”!

When I embarked on my effort I did not anticipate a divorce when my children needed their parents the most. Before the divorce, I felt I could see the shape of my knights forming. Raising teenagers as a single mother, who are trying to figure out who they are, who are dealing with their new life and its consequences, is a huge undertaking.  How they act at home, I have come to discover, is not how they act around other adults (praise the Lord). I have learned many, many things. First, your children are born with their own personalities. Second, you can impart you knowledge to them, but they have to implement it. Third, Train up a child in the way he should go ,
and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)

Being a parent is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. For those who have never been a parent, that sounds like a platitude designed to excuse the demanding undertaking of parenthood . Being responsible for the outcome of someone else’s life, and the consequences if I screw up, are distressing. You only get one chance to be the parent of your child’s childhood. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon to be a parent and there is no magic formula. You don’t have to apply for a license or pass a test. We get licenses to drive, to use a gun, and for heaven’s sake, to hunt and fish. So why shouldn’t we get a license before having a child? I digress.

Who sets the standard for being a good parent; society, family or our own personal benchmark? I think it is the sum total of them all. Like every human being, I have a personal benchmark that I am striving to succumb. My yardstick, as I mentioned above, is to raise Modern Day Knights. Wish me luck!

Paint Me Your Affections

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:
Shared by veronicalangley ” Cara fluttered her eyes open and was blinded by sunlight. Not wanting to acknowledge the morning, she quickly buried her face in John’s shoulder. John yawned himself awake and turned…

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

As a child, when someone did not tell the truth you might hear the chant “Liar, Liar pants on fire”. I don’t know about you, but I am glad that our pants didn’t actually catch on fire if we told a lie. That would mean some of us would spend the majority of our life on our stomach in a hospital bed, urinating in a catheter, and receiving wound care to our buttocks. I am not saying we should all be as blatant as Jim Carey in Liar, Liar as seen below…

but, I do believe it is not what you say, but how you say it.

Lying, we have all been guilty of it. Did you finish all your homework? Did you clean your room? Do you think I look fat in this outfit? We are human and people lie for many reasons. Some lie because they don’t want to hurt someones feelings, others because they don’t want to face the consequences of their  lie or others lie just to lie even when they don’t have to.

I have always heard the saying, “My grandfather taught me at an early age that a man’s word is his bond, if you go back on your word you will never be trusted and no one will do business with you.” You can destroy relationships quickly when you show a lack of integrity, so it’s critical that what you say is consistent with what you do. Integrity is a virtue that people do not embrace as a necessary character trait anymore. Integrity doesn’t mean that a person never makes mistakes. But a person with integrity accepts responsibility for his or her own mistakes or failures and does what’s in his or her power to put things right.

Have you ever come in contact with someone that everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie? They lie about everything, even things they don’t need to lie about. People who lie and actually believe their lies. Your relationship with them exist on the foundation that whatever they tell you is a lie, and if it turns out to be the truth, you are pleasantly surprised. I can honestly say, the relationship you have with these people is not a healthy one, but a toxic one.

I have often wondered if lying is a disease. If so are people born with it. I understand that everyone lies, but it seems like I have encountered people that lie as easy as they breathe. Are we born liars?  Do all children lie? If you lie as a child will you grow out of it or into it? These questions lead me to research the topic. What I found is this. There are different types of liars. If you talk to some they would say there are two main categories: Pathological and Compulsive. Other’s break it down even farther to The Occasional/White Liar, The Careless Liar, The Compulsive Liar, and The Sociopathic Liar.

“No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” Abraham Lincoln

A quick overview of these are as follows:

Pathological Liar – These people lie compulsively and impulsively, almost without thinking about the consequences of their action. They lie regularly on a spontaneous basis even if they gain no benefit from it, or even if they trap themselves into it. A pathological liar cannot control their impulse to lie and it is usually a self-defeating trait.

The Compulsive Liar – These people continually lie out of sheer habit. Lying tends to be their normal manner of responding to any question from others. These individuals will always bend the truth, regardless of how small or large the question is. For these individuals, telling the truth doesn’t feel right. They are uncomfortable whenever they tell the truth, while lying makes them feel right. Compulsive lying is often thought to manifest during childhood, due to being put into situations and environments where lying became a necessity. Most of the time, compulsive liars aren’t cunning or manipulative, rather they only lie because it has become such a habit for them.

The Occasional/White Liar – These people seldom lie and don’t usually think of themselves as true “liars”.  They sometimes tell only part of the truth, not suspected of lying at all. They use their lies to keep someone from being hurt or damaged by the truth. But when they do lie, they feel guilty for what they have done. These types of people are the ones who are quick to seek forgiveness from the person their lied to. The occasional liar is not perfect, but they are usually respected for their strong attempt at being a truthful person, and humble enough to admit their mistakes.

The Careless Liar – These people will go about their normal lives lying every way they can. This individual isn’t concerned about trying to hide their lies or even that they make sense. Everyone knows that the person isn’t being honest because they tend to be sloppy with their lies.

The Sociopathic Liar – These people lie continuously in an attempt to get their own way, without showing care or concern for others. These individuals are goal-oriented. Even though it might seem hard to believe, lying is focused – they are focused on getting their own way. Sociopaths don’t have a lot of respect or regard for the feelings and rights of others. They tend to be charismatic and charming, but they will use their exceptional social skills in a self-centered and manipulative manner.

** It is believed by some experts that sociopathic lying is connected to the mental illnesses Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).

The Lie By Omission -These people lie by either omitting certain facts or by failing to correct a misconception.

The Black Book of Lie Detection says this about lies:

“It matters why someone lies. We will nearly always forgive the person who lied out of kindness. We will sometimes forgive the person who lied where there are no negative consequences. We will even forgive a President who lied about an affair to the nation on camera. But we will rarely forgive the person who lied for self gain at the expense of others.

Motive also matters to the liar. A person who believes they have a moral justification for their lie, will find it easier to deceive a truth seeker. A person who stands to lose much if their lie is exposed, has a greater incentive to successfully lie, but will experience greater pressure at the same time which may `leak’ out in their verbal or nonverbal communication.

We start lying when we are children. It sometimes helps us get what we want. Sometimes it gets us in trouble. Most of us learn that generally speaking, lying is not a good thing and we tell the truth most of the time. But some people develop the belief that lying helps us get more of what we want. So they do it all of the time. Lying becomes something done naturally.

And then when we become adults, some of us graduate from being natural liars to professional liars. Professional liars lie for a specific purpose; usually self gain. Otherwise known as con artists, professional liars often prey on the vulnerable in our society.”

So I ask you these questions? Do we hold different people to different standards when it comes to telling the truth? Do we expect someone doing research like a scientist to be more honest than say a politician? Do we give children around the age of 4 – 7 a pass for lying because they are children and that is normal for them? Are there multiple versions of the truth?

There’s a scene in the movie “Something’s Gotta Give” that captures the definition of truth. Dianne Keaton catches the man she loves, Jack Nicholson, on a date with another woman.  She is chased out of the restaurant by a guilty Nicholson. When he finally catches her, he pleads, “I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth.” She replies, “The truth doesn’t have versions, okay?” The truth may have many sides to it. It may be complicated or hard to understand, but it exists… in one version.

So how important is it that you to tell the truth? More imperative is how important is it that you are told the truth? I would challenge you to take a look at your conversations and censor them for the truth. Integrity is a vital virtue, it is the one that we put on ourselves. Integrity is our inner checks and balances. It ensures we walk the walk of the talk we talk. So I would challenge you to be the same person in private that you are in public.

For questions or comments please contact me at missivesbymichelle@gmail.com

 

 

The Epidemic; PPS

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:
A great feature post by Baroness Bogie. ” Peter Pan, spotted here in San Francisco. Have you seen him?  ? He is all around you, every guy you pass on the street could be him. He…

Dammit Doll

I ran across this interesting doll as I was perusing an antique mall Sunday with my sister-in-law and niece. I decided to do a little research on it as I knew it would make an interesting post and I would have to get one. The Dammit Doll. The Dammit Doll is a 12- inch, stuffed fabric doll cleverly designed to express your anger by slamming it against something. There are several different saying that can be said and numerous different doll representations as well.

 Here are some of the different types of occupations that are available with their own dammit or dang-it sayings.

 

                                                        The dammit dolls have become very popular since their conception in 2010. They have even become a great hit with The American Cancer Society. Dammit Dolls started a website Dammit Cancer that can be accessed through the dammitdoll.com website where they donate proceeds to benefit Children’s Hyundai Cancer Institute, one of the leading pediatric cancer programs in the country. The Hyundai Cancer Institute offers access to the latest clinical trials and treatment options for all forms of common childhood and adolescent cancers.

The Dammit Dolls are a fabulous tool to take your momentary frustrations out on. You can scream at it, shake it, throw it, step on it, and throw it against the wall. Anything that makes you content and eases your frustrations, you can take it out on your doll. The only thing better than a dammit doll would be a voodoo doll.

I mean, a voodoo doll, a poppet bearing the resemblance of an enemy who wouldn’t want one. The target is cursed with misfortune, pain and even death via the thrusting of pins into the doll. Okay, death is going a bit too far, but inflicting a little Karma could be a little fulfilling. I guess we will have to settle on a dammit doll with a picture of our nemesis as the head.

I will keep you posted on how my dammit doll experience goes. I mean any frustration release has to better than none!

 

What I Learned About Life

A fellow blogger reached out to me with sweet condolences after my post yesterday. I was perusing her blog and ran across this enlightening video. I think it sums up some pretty amazing thoughts so I thought I would share. Enjoy…

Is it Really that Important?

This falls in line with my post from yesterday. We must stop and think before we speak!

Daily Divorce Meditations

Though my divorce was a very painful experience, it taught me a lot about when it was appropriate to react and when it was better to let go.

In my marriage, I often reacted immediately… instead of calming my mind and waiting to decide how important the problem really was.

I would constantly get worked up about things that wouldn’t even be remembered 24 hours later.

I allowed my resentments, my emotions, to constantly rule my words and actions.

A good friend, at the time, told me to take just a moment before reacting and say to myself, “How important is it?” before calling someone out.

I was amazed at how many times I was being nit picky, judgmental, really just saying something to say it or using my words as a way of holding my illusion of control.

I started to see my character flaws appear in each scenario…

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Listen To The Words, Trust The Behavior

One of my college professors would ask, “Do you walk the walk of the talk you talk?”  I think about this statement to this day. Our family therapist puts it this way “Listen to the words, trust the behavior”. Any way you put it, the bottom line is that actions speak louder than words.

“What You Do Speaks So Loudly I Cannot Hear What You Are Saying” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson is said to have coined this famous phrase. Repeated actions help shape our character and reputation for the good or bad. As it is said, a man’s word is his bond. Your honesty and integrity make you sincere and credible building a reputable character.

People change for many reasons, but the only true and lasting change has to come from within. A person has to want to change for themselves. I think we have all been guilty at one time or another of trying to influence someone to change their behavior, whether it is to stop smoking or work harder at school. Their behavior might change temporarily, but if it is not their desire, change will not be permanent. If someone engages in a pattern of negative behavior they have a choice to perpetuate the cycle or change. If someone says they desire to make the necessary changes yet repeatedly fails to make an effort, they are communicating their true intentions.

Actions should meet verbal obligations or sentiments, and they should not contradict them. We can apologize for our mistakes over and over, but if our actions do not change, the words become meaningless.

“Talking the Talk is easy, the achievement is when one’s Talk is reflected in their own Walk. Always practice what you preach or what you preach may fall on deaf ears.” – Author Unkown

Remember to be careful with your word. Don’t give it lightly and always deliver on it. By doing so, people will give you the respect and admiration you deserve. Every day, choose whether or not your words and promises will carry weight; it is about choices not excuses. Choose to make your word mean something.

“That which we are, we shall teach, not voluntarily, but involuntarily. Thoughts come into our minds by avenues which we never left open, and thoughts go out of our minds through avenues which we never voluntarily opened. Character teaches over our head”.  – Emerson