What Have You Done For Me Lately?

The term “sense of entitlement” describes an outrageous attitude of people who believe that the world “owes” them and they want it now. The idea that one has a right to be given something which others believe should be obtained through effort. People with this type of attitude always want more. Whatever you do is never good enough for them, and they also generally show no gratitude or express any thanks when someone goes out of their way for them.

• I have the perfect right to do or say whatever I want and no one should object.
• My needs have priority, and if others don’t like it they just don’t understand my superiority.
• If you don’t do what I want I will become highly offended, make threats, plead with you, or criticize and blame you. If that upsets you, that’s your fault. And please don’t bother me with your feelings about it. It upsets me when you don’t see yourself as inferior to me.
• Relationships aren’t about give and take. They are about me taking and you giving. If you give and give with the hope that you will one day get your needs met, I will string you along as long as I can.
• When I turn on the pressure until you do what I want, or confuse you until you don’t know what’s up or down, it teaches me to try these techniques again.
• I like to mix things up by taking care of you and your needs once and awhile. It keeps you off balance, making you more easily controlled, and convinces you I’m really a good person after all.

Generally, these people are labeled narcissist, but I believe that you don’t have to be a narcissist to have a sense of entitlement. Let me clarify that statement as a “false sense of entitlement”. We all have certain privileges we are entitled to by law such as certain rights, opinions, and freedoms. But like all things that we get for free, we often fail to realize the value of the privileges we get with entitlement. People don’t feel like they have to earn what they so arrogantly assume they are entitled for.

Children are naturally egotistical, the world revolves around them, or at least as much of the world that they are concerned with. The typical toddler-like selfish attitude children have must be taught to have a proper sense of entitlement, not a false sense. Children need to be taught the connection between making an effort and achieving success.

Parenting today is very different than it was twenty years ago. Children in earlier generations were taught skills such as how to maintain a yard, change the oil in a car, and basic life skills. There are more working mothers, children in day care and single parents. The introduction of the internet, social networking, video consoles, and online gaming have changed the dynamics of childhood. No longer do children play outside, in groups of friends, games like hide and go seek, kick the can, or capture the flag. Children received gifts for their birthday or Christmas and did not get items unless they worked for it. Today children are spoiled having phones, iPads, computers, gaming consoles and more.

Children are being raised in cities having no idea how to cut grass, much less understand how to mix chemicals to kill the weeds, fertilize, or use a weed-eater or lawnmower. They don’t know what it is like to climb trees, ride their bikes around the neighborhood, or playing pick up basketball at the neighbors. Children are more transient today leaving them with few roots and more wings. Many children don’t graduate with the same acquaintances they started kindergarden with making life-long friends. 

My boy’s have grown up with a privileged life. They have been blessed to live in nice homes, attend private schools, take nice vacations and attain the latest technological gadgets. We do not arbitrarily give our children things because they ask, yet they still live a privileged life. It is very important to me that my sons learn not only to be “Modern Day Knight’s”, but well-rounded men. Men that can run their household financially, physically and spiritually. I want my sons to be able to change the oil in the lawn mower, fix the leaky toilet and replace the hose on the washing machine. I want them to be like Handy Mandy and Mike Holmes. 

I was blessed to have a Dad that could fix anything. He taught my brother how to do the same. They chop wood, put brakes on the car, change the spark plugs on the four-wheeler and whatever else needs to be done. My ex was very good at fixing things as well. My dad and brother have spent extra time this spring and summer teaching my boys these same skills. The boys can cut, chop and stack wood. My brother has taught the boys how to spray the yard for weeds, spread fertilizer, mow and use the weed-eater. My brother showed them how to repair a fence when they helped him remove the old wood and replace it with new wood. My uncle has worked with my youngest son to teach him how to properly care for his horse. My family will continue to work with the boys to teach them the skills that will make them well-rounded men.

My younger son’s, I do not think, appreciate these valuable lessons. My older son is still learning, as well, and as much as I would love to boast that he is grateful to be imparted this knowledge, I am not so sure. I feel like we are raising as a society of lazy, self-entitled humans. Their work ethic is marginal and careless. They do the bare minimum. As a parent, I can only train my children in the way should go and pray that when they grow older they will not depart from it. I will leave you with Bill Gates words of wisdoms for students.

 

Raising A Modern Day Knight

Years ago, when my youngest son was a boy, I read a book titled Raising a Modern Day Knight.

I was desperately seeking information on how to raise Thing 1 and his baby brothers Things 2 & 3 to be Godly men. While in LifeWay Christian book store, with all three boys, our patience had been depleted, chaos had ensured, and while running down an aisle chasing one of my “things” I saw this book and grabbed it with my left and my “thing” with my right, score! Once home, Thing 2 & 3 down for a nap, and Thing 1 quietly playing, I sat down to unravel the mysteries of raising twenty-first century spiritual knights; Courteous, Honest, Honor, Generous, Loyal, Well-Spoken, Discreet, Pure, Wise, and Just. Then to my dismay I began to read, “What does it mean to be a man? Moreover, how do you as a father instill that reality in your son? By Raising a Modern-Day Knight.” Father! This book is for fathers to show how you can confidently guide your son to the kind of authentic, biblical manhood that can change out world. Complete with ceremony ideas to celebrate accomplishments and ingrain them in the mind of a knight-in-training, this resource is as insightful as it is practical in raising a boy to be a chivalrous, godly man.

Seriously, my success turned sour when I realized that this was for fathers. Well, I was not going to let that stop me. Just became I am not the father, does not mean that I can not read the book, impart my knowledge to my husband and together we implement this unique approach to shaping our boys into a strong, godly men. I read the book. I also read James Dobson’s Bringing Up Boys, and my ex and I went to a Wednesday night study on the book, and I continued to read and gather all the information I could on raising Godly children. I sent Thing 1 to cotillion classes, began reading and gathering all the material on proper etiquette and began to impart my new knowledge.

In the beginning, I taught them basic courtesy’s such as responding with “Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am, Yes Sir and No Sir”, how to properly greet someone and answer the telephone. As they have become young adult and adolescent men, the lessons have increased with maturity. Here is the latest list of traits I recently reviewed with my sons:

* He takes care of his physical appearance.

* He is considerate: He opens and holds doors, does not cut line, basically he will put others needs before his own without breaking his boundaries.

* He is chivalrous: He has the utmost respect and adoration for women. He cherishes them. He will hold doors for her, rise if she approaches when he is sitting, take her coat, offer to seat her, push in her chair as she sits among other mannerly gestures.

* He is generous with his time, resources and wisdom. He willingly servers others and those in need lending his services to those in need.

* He is a lifelong learner, always willing to acquire new knowledge continuously being teachable.

* He is honorable treating others with dignity and respect. He models restraint, morals, and personal responsibility.

* He is well-mannered, understanding what is appropriate in various social and professional settings. He is able to navigate these situations with ease and proficiency as he embraces all cultures equally.

* He possesses a strong work ethic. He takes pride in his work and strives to give his very best. This makes him trustworthy, loyal, and people speak well of him.

* He is confident and carries himself in a manner that communicates it to people.

* He is well spoken. He is also a generous listener. He knows how to effectively communicate with others.

* He is known for his integrity. He is a man of his word. He says what he means and means what he says.  He follows through with his commitments, whatever the cost.

When studying the book Bring Up Boys, I learned there is a vast difference between boys and girls. Dr. James Dobson provided seven principles for raising sons that I implemented:

1. Channel Their Energy. Understand that your boys will have more aggressive and excitable behavior than your girls. Instead of trying to squelch their energy, channel it into something productive.
2. Protect Their Spirit. Understand that there are many harmful things in this world which can wound your boys’ spirit. Dobson advises, “deal decisively with bullies, reduce exposure to media violence, and watch for signs of depression, withdrawal or lethargy.”
3. Keep Them Close. Maintain close relationships with your sons. Keep communication open, provide guidance, and discipline out of love.
4. Provide Them with Role Models. Provide your sons with healthy male role models. If their father is not in the home, consider a trustworthy family member or friend to spend time with them.
5. Give Them Your Time. Give your sons plenty of your one-on-one time. You may need to make changes in your own schedule, but give your sons both quality and quantity time.
6. Affirm Their Value. Dobson advises, “Counteract the effects of male-bashing in our culture by affirming a boy’s masculinity and his value as a person.”
7. Nurture Their Spirituality. Make your sons’ spiritual development your first priority in parenting by helping them develop their relationship with God.

This book was a great resource, BUT the book I should have read is Parenting Isn’t For Cowards!

SO! How did my endeavor to raise Modern Day Knights turn out? I will have to get back with you on that. My son’s are now 23, 16 and 15. If you asked their opinion they would tell you that I am “in our business”, “too strict”, and “need to let us make our own mistakes”!

When I embarked on my effort I did not anticipate a divorce when my children needed their parents the most. Before the divorce, I felt I could see the shape of my knights forming. Raising teenagers as a single mother, who are trying to figure out who they are, who are dealing with their new life and its consequences, is a huge undertaking.  How they act at home, I have come to discover, is not how they act around other adults (praise the Lord). I have learned many, many things. First, your children are born with their own personalities. Second, you can impart you knowledge to them, but they have to implement it. Third, Train up a child in the way he should go ,
and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (NKJV)

Being a parent is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. For those who have never been a parent, that sounds like a platitude designed to excuse the demanding undertaking of parenthood . Being responsible for the outcome of someone else’s life, and the consequences if I screw up, are distressing. You only get one chance to be the parent of your child’s childhood. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon to be a parent and there is no magic formula. You don’t have to apply for a license or pass a test. We get licenses to drive, to use a gun, and for heaven’s sake, to hunt and fish. So why shouldn’t we get a license before having a child? I digress.

Who sets the standard for being a good parent; society, family or our own personal benchmark? I think it is the sum total of them all. Like every human being, I have a personal benchmark that I am striving to succumb. My yardstick, as I mentioned above, is to raise Modern Day Knights. Wish me luck!

You Have To Have A Warrior Mentality! Jada Pinkett-Smith Speaks On Marriage

 

Happily Divorced and After, posted a link to a wonderful article about Jada Pinket-Smith I thought I would share. The link to her article is below my commentary.

Divorce rates across the globe have been on the rise rapidly increasing due to certain problems like incompatibility between couples, infidelity issues, lack of trust and understanding, and financial pressures. It is heartbreaking to observe the rising divorce rate across the world and see the break down of marriages. What is the present divorce rate in America?

The statistics regarding the divorce rate in America often report a 50% overall rate of divorce. However, this data is not really very accurate, though it is quite close to the real figures. As per the ‘Americans for Divorce Reform’, it is projected that an approximate of 40-50% of marriages in the U.S., would end in legal separation if the present trends are likely to continue. There are many factors contributing to the upward trend in the divorce rates and the laws pertaining to divorce are one of them.

What is the divorce rate in America for first marriage versus second or third marriage?

Various studies on the US rate of divorce shows significant differences when the comparison is made in 1st, 2nd and 3rd marriage breakups. The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41% to 50%; the rate after second marriage is from 60% to 67% and the rate in America for 3rd marriage are from 73% to 74%.

Reports also say that couples with children have a slightly lower rate of breakup as compared to couples without children. This is due to the fact that being childless is one of the prime causes behind divorce in America. Also, the children of divorced parents are prone to divorcing 4 times more than the children of couples who are not divorced.

The average American struggles to keep their marriages intact with the normal pressures applied to us in our daily lives. Take that marriage to Hollywood and you have kicked it up a notch. The 50% rule does not apply to Hollywood. They have their own unbelievably high statistic. I personally could not stand for my husband to make out with some hot woman on a screen spending hours on a set with her. That just screams disaster. No matter how good your intentions are NEVER give the devil a foothold or he will burst through the door.

Please click on the following link to hear how Jada Pinkett-Smith makes her marriage work despite all of the Hollywood Chaos.

You Have To Have A Warrior Mentality! Jada Pinkett-Smith Speaks On Marriage.

 

 

It’s My Opinion And You Can’t Agree With It!

“Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.”

Boy did he hit the nail on the head with this one. This quote is the epitome of truth.  If you have never encountered someone like this, then you are all the better for it.

I have to say that I am an odd bird. I believe I am extremely conventional, but yet I see things quite different than most on some issues. For instance: Why is it that if someone talks, lets say for instance, about their mother then you can’t agree with them? They are insulted and get upset with you if you do. Why is it okay for them to say it, but not you? This does not fly with me. If I have an opinion that I am willing to express, for instance, about my mother and someone agrees, then it is a matter of opinion. Someone’s opinion is not reality. It is perception. Someone’s perception is not your certainty.

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” Marcus Aurelius

It doesn’t stop there. Why can someone call you out on something, but if you do the same to them it is not okay? It seems that there are one-sided relationships where what is okay for one is not for another. An almost ‘Do as I say, not as I do”.
 
There are varying schools of thoughts:

“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

“What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist.”
― Salman Rushdie

My opinion is: “To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.”
― G.K. Chesterton

Rights are always paired with responsibility and choice is always paired with consequence. We have the freedom to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of our choices.

Proverbs 12: 28-19 – 18 “Thoughtless words cut like a sword. But the tongue of wise people brings healing. 19 Truthful words last forever. But lies last for only a moment.”

The bottom line is, what is good for one is good for all. Being in a one-sided relationship where the “do as I say, not as I do” mentality prevails is unhealthy. Many consider people who believe it is their way or the highway selfish and entitled. These people tend to have high self-esteem but low self-worth, even being deemed at times as a to have narcissist tendencies.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is defined by The Mayo Clinic as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

Savannah Grey sums up narcissist brilliantly: Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others. Narcissists are completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others.  The Narcissist will take no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve treated you or how you are feeling.

If you find yourself in a “do as I say, not as I do” or “I can have an opinion, but you can’t agree with it” relationship, then you are probably in a an association with a narcissist. There is no winning in a relationship like this. There is no balance. The favor is always tipped in your partners directions. Whether married, dating or just a friend these relationships are not healthy. Everyone deserves to be in a balanced relationship with healthy boundaries. It is time to move on and take care of yourself. Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult due to the damage they have done to your self-esteem, but can be done. 

Is White Trash the New Norm?

 Kathryn Stockett’s New York Times Best Seller, tells the story of three ordinary women that are about to take one extraordinary step.

Twenty-two-year-old Skeeter has just returned home after graduating from Ole Miss. She may have a degree, but it is 1962, Mississippi, and her mother will not be happy till Skeeter has a ring on her finger. Skeeter would normally find solace with her beloved maid Constantine, the woman who raised her, but Constantine has disappeared and no one will tell Skeeter where she has gone.

Aibileen is a black maid, a wise, regal woman raising her seventeenth white child. Something has shifted inside her after the loss of her own son, who died while his bosses looked the other way. She is devoted to the little girl she looks after, though she knows both their hearts may be broken.

Minny, Aibileen’s best friend, is short, fat, and perhaps the sassiest woman in Mississippi. She can cook like nobody’s business, but she can’t mind her tongue, so she’s lost yet another job. Minny finally finds a position working for someone too new to town to know her reputation. But her new boss has secrets of her own.

Seemingly as different from one another as can be, these women will nonetheless come together for a clandestine project that will put them all at risk. And why? Because they are suffocating within the lines that define their town and their times. And sometimes lines are made to be crossed.

In pitch-perfect voices, Kathryn Stockett creates three extraordinary women whose determination to start a movement of their own forever changes a town, and the way women—mothers, daughters, caregivers, friends—view one another. A deeply moving novel filled with poignancy, humor, and hope, The Help is a timeless and universal story about the lines we abide by, and the ones we don’t.

This book was a VERY hard book for me to read. As I have previously mentioned I grew up in Mississippi. I was born in 1969 and was raised by a colored nanny, Corabee.  She was like family. Her son, affectionately known as, Pee Wee, was my grandfather’s foreman. They lived in a house my grandfather built for them on the back of our family property. Pee Wee helped my grandfather with his construction business and on the farm while Corabee managed the house; cooking, cleaning and keeping my cousin and me.

By no means am I saying that racism in the South did not, and still does not exist. What I am saying is that not everyone is a racist. I never gave a second thought, nor did any of my family members, too sharing anything with Pee Wee and Corabee. I even tried to share her snuff. It made me quit sick. She was an employee. She received a pay check. We respected her and if truth be known were down right scared of her. We knew when she told us to do something she meant it. We respected her not because of her color but because we were taught to respect our elders and because she earned it.

I am probably going to draw a lot of negative comments. Thank goodness I do not have a lot of followers! I do not consider myself a racist but a classist. Yes, a classist. I do not have an issue with specific races, just the classes within each race. For example, with in my own race of Caucasian, I detest a red neck and white trash. The same goes for the other races: African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Native Americans, Hispanic, Alaskan Natives, Hawaiian Natives, etceteras. Within each races is a class and subclass of people that choose to be criminals, unpredictable, without respect for authority whether it be political, legal, or moral. For example, there are plenty of people now willing to wear “white trash” as a badge of honor, as a sign of rebelliousness to punish those with morals and manners when they act badly.

When did white trash become normal? From the cast of Jersey Shore getting sloppy drunk and vomiting on camera, to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’s social mischiefs these are some of the most watched television shows. June, Alana aka Honey Boo Boo’s Mom, has four daughter’s by four men, one of whose name she can not recall.  White trash is the new normal from the reality shows people watch, to the way people dress, the way they talk in public, to the objects shown on social media. Modern day society seems to believe that by rejecting the customs, morals and conventions of the “stuffy, old elite” they can bring about some kind of social revitalization.

Aspiration is replaced by complacency. Obesity is produced from lack of discipline.  Shame has vanished, allowing it to be ordinary for babies to be born out of wedlock, affairs to be common, and natural to have multiple sexual partners. Self expression is shown by loud and intimate cellphone conversations that are broadcast publicly to a captive audience with foul language nonchalantly uttered in all forms. Tattoos have moved from gangs and prisons to mainstream now seen as a form of individualism.  People of all walks of life used to put forth an effort not to be taken for white trash in contrast to people today. Not being white trash isn’t a matter of money. It is purely behavioral. Bring back manners, bring back aspiration, bring back responsibility, bring back morals, grammar, etiquette.  Let’s quit pretending that there’s anything charming about stripper-themed fashion, incorrect grammar, foul language, sexual promiscuity financial irresponsibility, broken marriages and homes.

I stumbled across this book when I was looking for new books to read on Amazon and thought how ironic it was that I was writing on this topic. I can’t wait to read what she had to say on the subject.